Tales of a constipated goose
by ivywrites
Summary: marya atlanta radeant yasmine seraphina uniqe emerelda pleighmont finally like gets to shine!1!1! while chelsigh is embarrasing herself with persy end anniberth, marysue is facing the lame doubt of lik chiron (Disclaimer here: I do not mean any of the offensive things marysue will say in this story. It also will make more sense if you read my other story.)
1. Escape from Camp

**so um u guyz seemed to lik marya/marysue so lik herez her story.**

 **(Also very big disclaimer marysue is stupid so therefore she will say very ignorant things. Please keep in mind that I do not in any way mean any of them.)**

Okay, I am so done with the stupid Hermes cabin. They have absolutely no morals and keep messing things up. Like those stupid Stoll twins, who woke me up by dumping manure on my head! I can't believe that demon Chiron lets scum like them live at this camp. I should call my father and tell him to buy this dump and turn it into something nice for a change.

When I finally get that disgusting cow manure out of my hair, some dumb looking kid with braces comes up to me and tells me that that creep Chiron wanted to see me. Obviously it's to request that I design some new t-shirts, because these orange monstrosities are hideous.

Today I am reluctantly wearing the stupid orange shirt, but I have also managed to find this adorable piece of gold wool on a tree and its draped around my waist. Some dragon tried to stop me, but I just told him it was an order from Chiron. I also managed to steal- I mean _borrow_ this cute pair of winged shoes from the Stoll brothers. I decide that they obviously are too cute to grace the feet of those two pigheads, so I claimed them for my own.

I purposely stride into the Big House, knowing I look like a model. That creep Chiron is in his wheelchair, thank goodness, and he motions for me to sit. I elegantly pose in the disgusting chair, and prepare myself for the stupid speech he will most likely put on.

"Marya, isn't it?" Ugh that creep can't even bother to get my name right.

"Actually it's Marya Atlan-" but he cuts me off.

"I know" he says stupidly, because obviously he didn't. He rambles on like an idiot. "I'm afraid that we have slipped up. You are not a demigod. We will now have to wipe your mind of the existence of Camp HalfBlood and send you home."

Um...what? That gross centaur is obviously jealous that I'm the daughter of all the gods and he's not. And wipe my mind? NO WAY. I quickly rush out the door, finding out that my cute shoes can fly!

Chiron tries to catch me, but I'm clearly too fast for him. I'm out the door and flying away by the time anyone notices. Someone yells "She has the fleece!" but I just ignore them. Time to get out of this gross trashy place and find my way home., Then my father will buy this dump and make it pretty. I will also get my revenge on that stupid horse for calling me a fake. I AM the daughter of all the gods.

 **omg chiron iz lik such a meanie i luv marysue so um plz review end if you want anything specific to lik hadplen just lik request it thx fer reading hav a splendid day**


	2. Meeting the Horrible Hunters

**(The spelling is terrible on purpose. I'm trolling/making fun of a bunch of things I shouldn't make fun of. Like I've stated previously reading The Epitome of Stupidity will make this story make more sense. But to all that have reviewed thank you for taking time and reading my new story:)**

Flying is like sooo boring. I wish I could get my pilot to fly my personal jet over here, but unfortunately I know I have to get as far away from Camp Half Blood as I can. I'm going to go to Canada, because I hear they have good maple syrup or something like that. Also I am going to find the Hunters of Artemis and take my rightful place as their queen.

After what feels like minutes, because minutes are like forever, I spot a girl who looks really scared flying around. Like just floating. I decide she must be one of the Hunters of Artemis, because she's wearing one of those hideous silver parka things and some dumb circlet thing in her hair. I fly over, hands on my hips, and ask her straight up if she's a hunter.

She looks at me weird and says yes, she's Artemis's lieutenant and her name is Thalia Grace. I ask her why she looks like she wants to puke (her expression reminded me of Chelsea taking a selfie) and she said because she was trying to get used to flying, since she's the daughter of Zeus. I also try to tell her my full name, but for some horrible reason I get cut off and she just calls me Marya.

All I can think is wow, if all hunters are like this they will be so easy to command and take over. What a pathetic excuse for a daughter of THE GOD OF THE SKY. I can't wait to come back to that lame camp with my army of hunters and impress Nico.

She looks at me weirdly, like she's trying to place something off about me, but leads me down to the Hunter's camp anyway. She says she's bringing me to Artemis, and I can't wait to see what kind of goddess I will have to kiss up to until I take over as queen bee.

Some thirteen year old girl is in the way, but for some reason Thalia has stopped walking, so I assume this dumb girl has made the mistake of standing in our way. I decide that despite Thalia's gross emo hair and her weird My Chemical Romance shirt underneath her coat, she's the queen bee around here, and the one that I have to defeat to become the real ruler.

The girl still hasn't moved, so I shove her out of the way and say "Um, who do you think you are? Get out of my way, loser. Maybe someday you'll be as pretty as me if you would just get your pimply face out of here." I notice that for some reason Thalia is bowing to this dumb girl, so I guess that Thalia isn't very smart. Ugh, I'll have to take this hopeless case into my own hands. I yell "Why haven't you moved?" at the stupid girl and try to drag Thalia away.

Thalia flips me to the ground and asks "Do you know who she is?" angrily. I decide that this must be a test to see how strong I am, to see if I would follow this lame girl or take matters into my own hands. I definitely knew Artemis wouldn't want me to listen to lame Thalia and this little thirteen year old kid.

I raise myself up from the ground and say haughtily, "I definitely know who this lame kid is. Some nobody with horrid acne. I definitely wouldn't want her here if I was Artemis, who speaking of which you are interrupting me from meeting."

Thalia looks horrified, and that brat who still hasn't moved out of my way starts LAUGHING! How dare she. I want to punch her, but then she starts glowing and changing form, until she becomes a young woman in a chiton.

"I am Artemis, you ignorant fool", she booms. Um, what? She did not just call me an ignorant fool. I decide that even though I am the daughter of all the gods, I am not the daughter of her. I also decide that I won't let this lame goddess tell me who's boss. But I know I have to be charming first, before I can get rid of her and become the leader of the Hunters.

"OMG! I had no idea you were Artemis. I like am so sorry! Well now that I've apologized I guess you have to let me be a hunter. I can't wait to date as many guys as I want without being attacked with derogatory slurs!" Artemis and Thalia frown even more, and all the other hunters are gaping open mouthed at me.

"You did NOT just go there!", Artemis shouts, "do you seriously believe you could get away with that kind of insult to me? And mentioning males in my presence? Did you seriously think I would ever let a trashy girl like you into my circle?!"

I decide that clearly this must be her attempt at sarcasm, so I slap her on the back jokingly and say "Duh!" and laugh in my winning voice.

I am met by a blast of light…

And suddenly, I, Marya Atla- you know what sometimes even I don't remember my name-, find myself glaring at a very huge Artemis. Or am I…. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I'm...tiny and hairy! She's turned me into a rabbit! Ew, I'm covered in gross body hair and I have EARS! They're not even PIERCED! How am I going to wear my Tiffany earrings!? Or even worse, my earrings from Target!?

I see a hunter lunging at me with a knife, and I realize that at least my cute flying shoes and my wool skirt have shrunk down with me. I fly away to escape being killed and realize my life is officially over.

But seriously, now no one will be able to be jealous of my Target earrings!

 **Oh the first world problems of Marya. Please review, tell me if I'm good or bad, and if you want anything specific to happen just let me know in your review. Thank you for reading and have a lovely day :)**


	3. My Prince has come

**(So I've been gone for over a month. Oops… School got to me, so I apologize and will try to update more often, Also if you like Harry Potter, I have another fanfiction lined up for the worst but most underrated couple of all time, Petunia and Vernon. It's going to be absolutely revolting and I can't wait.)**

 **(This chapter is a bit short but I am in the process of writing a lot at once, so expect some updates.)**

 **omgz lik iv been lik so busy but now im lik not so herez poor marysue trying to escape from lik the hunterz end lik being turnedz into lik a jackolope**

I am so annoyed. How dare Artemis even try to turn me into this horned rabbit? She is almost as bad as that disgusting girl Chelsea, who I was bffs with for a few days, until she betrayed me.

Actually I don't even remember what she did anymore, but I hold grudges FOREVER. I still hate this disgusting nanny I had when I was ten, but that's a story for another time.

I wander through the woods until I find this weirdly placed tire in the middle of the forest. Obviously since I aced fifth grade science, I am smart enough to know that car tires do not normally spawn in forests.

Applauding myself for my own brilliance, I hop closer for a better look. Reaching out for a better look, (because obviously that tire's been to way too many places for my poor hand to not have to be drowned in purell after touching it) I touch my paw to it, and the grossest sensation happens.

I feel like I'm being pulled to a new location, and I think I might vomit, which is never good, because my poor one-of-a-kind furry skirt thing might get ruined. I can't believe those horrible fashionless orange shirted idiots let it HANG ON A TREE for so long, like did you see it's potential?

While I am filling my head with amazingly intelligent thoughts, I suddenly realize that the tugging sensation has stopped. I look around and notice that I'm in a…

GROSS DIRTY STREET? Like, has this place seen a broom since 1890? Ugh, miserably, I hop towards what looks like a dress shop, hoping they would show some sympathy for me. Upon closer inspection, the dress shop was...for bathrobes?

Ughhhh, these people were clearly more primitive than what I was used to. I spot a sign that says Diagon Alley, which is a completely stupid name for a street. There are also shops for owls (ew), wands (wow, into cosplay much? Cosplay is for idiots who like Halloween too much) ( **AN: I don't agree with this, I think cosplaying is great, but keep in mind that this is satire and it is to prove how dumb marysue is)** and broomsticks? If you're so obsessed with cleaning maybe you should do some for this street!

Just as I am about to exit Madam What's-her-name's gross robe shop, I spot the most dazzling group of boys ever. Ignoring the fact that they are wearing robes too, and brandishing sticks, they are seriously beautiful. Like, forget Nico, these boys are much hotter.

I realize that they must be primitive people ( **again, we are dealing with a dumb girl here, no offense intended)** and to them I must be a goddess. Of course I am the daughter of all the Gods, and the true leader of the Hunters of Artemis.

I make innocent whimpering noises, knowing that they will make the primitive wizards discover how I am a true Goddess inside. The hottest boy in the group and stares down in my direction, looking adorably perplexed. He makes a motion to gesture the rest of his cute friends over, and I know that this is the moment I've been waiting for. True love…

"What is this scum doing in this shop! Get that rabbit with antlers away from me! It is a filthy half-breed and I will not tolerate it!" The boy shouts at everyone who bothers to listen. Um, excuse me? I am so annoyed that I yell: "I am not a filthy half-breed! I am a beautiful goddess that was cursed by a creepy witch and I demand to be freed!"

The boy now looks sheepish. He turns to his group of friends. "Well that changes things. Anyone seventeen yet? We have some rescuing to do." One of his friends brandishes his stick and me and mutters something that I don't understand, but suddenly I begin growing.

I catch my reflection in the mirror and to my joy, I'm me again! I decide to "faint" from shock so I can land in the arms of my prince.

He catches me easily and whispers breathlessly in my ear "You're even more beautiful that I expected. Are you really a goddess? What's your name?"

I smile demurely up at him. "Of course I'm a real goddess. My names Marya. Yours?"

"Dudelores Umbridge. I'm a wizard. Pleasure to meet you."


End file.
